The condition of my soul in those days are still fresh in my mind. I was in my higher school years battling an increasing zeal to do something for Christ with an increasing awareness of my sinusoidal love and my unredeemed flesh. I remember random calls at GMI meetings asking who all would be in heaven if they died that day and depending on my mood after a good/bad worship session I would either lift up my hand confidently or maybe try to push it up by an inch just to show I was somewhat spiritual but all the time doubting whether my salvation was really secure. At random, thoughts that some unconfessed sin might be the doom of me in the event of a sudden death troubled me to the core and I would cry alone at bed thinking I was not saved although looking back I realize I was malnourished with little or no doctrinal teaching.
The ministry of YFC would to some extent bring some sanity back and God would sovereignly use my worries and turmoils to shine with a glorious brightness, the greatness of his unchangeable, unshakeable love for me and that I need not lift my hand at the altar call of every gospel meeting to be assured of my salvation then on.
The chain of thoughts during the days leading to the 2001 YFC camp looked like this: Increasing confusion and turmoil of the soul as I saw the heavy weight of my sin, the hopelessness of maintaining my salvation thanks to charismatic meetings and erroneous websites misquoting scripture that aggravated those feelings.
God orchestrated the events in such a way that I, barely a year old in YFC was made a group leader in charge of leading group discussions and also mini-competitions! I still wonder what made Prabha uncle and Manu anna choose me although now I understand it was part of God's sovereign plan to teach me how depraved I was and that I could NEVER earn salvation.
We also had group competitions which I hated especially because our group mainly had small boys and not teens except for a couple including my classmate Toby and also Anand who was kept in our group to help me out. However more than leading the group in mini-competitions or the talent night, my internal turmoils would swirl strongly whenever the speaker, Vinod Gideon anna spoke on sin.
I was asked by him to lead in singing 'Amazing grace' after a solemn call to repentance and belief on Christ on the last evening. Ironically I knew little of what it actually meant, although Dr. Vinu Thomas the previous night tried teaching me that a person once saved cannot lose his/her salvation.
Then on the last day of the camp after the final session, when my emotions about my so-called fake salvation had to break through, it came out in outburst of body-racking cries and sobs. Dr. Vinu Thomas and Manoj Kenneth quickly came and tried encouraging me. Though I could not understand their words, their continued visits to home coupled with a more closer watch from Prabhakar uncle ensured that I understood two things.
1. My salvation was secure because it was God who chose me and God who will not let me out of his hands.
God used uncle to properly interpret passages that seemed to indicate that one could lose his salvation while showing me passages from scripture that clearly showed how secure I was in God's hands.
2. To have a more solid foundation in my walk, I would have to rely on scripture ALONE.
That specifically meant that I would have to cut off access to all charismatic meetings at least till I was mature enough to discern false teachings taught in such places. And seriously I was really glad to do that as I found a solid rock in scripture stronger than my feelings. More than just a something I could cling on - The Unchanging, INERRANT, INFALLIBLE word of God. The Spirit of God started illuminating my mind and showing me great things from scripture as I slowly started learning how to study the word of God with the aid of my seniors at YFC in tuesday bible groups and also be blessed by the expository sermons that Prabha uncle gave every sunday.
Those were days my zeal for the Lord grew a lot according to what I learnt from scripture to the extent that God enabled me to at least share that being a Christian meant true purpose at a 12th standard farewell function in St. Thomas Central School although I clearly did not know how the gospel had to be presented at that time.
It would take a longer time thanks to my sluggishness in studying the scriptures but more than that God's providential leading that in Chennai in the period of my wedding to Joyce and the months after [2012-2013] that I would rediscover the message of the gospel and once again be enflamed like those disciples were on the road to Emmaus.
More on that later, God willing. :)
The ministry of YFC would to some extent bring some sanity back and God would sovereignly use my worries and turmoils to shine with a glorious brightness, the greatness of his unchangeable, unshakeable love for me and that I need not lift my hand at the altar call of every gospel meeting to be assured of my salvation then on.
The chain of thoughts during the days leading to the 2001 YFC camp looked like this: Increasing confusion and turmoil of the soul as I saw the heavy weight of my sin, the hopelessness of maintaining my salvation thanks to charismatic meetings and erroneous websites misquoting scripture that aggravated those feelings.
God orchestrated the events in such a way that I, barely a year old in YFC was made a group leader in charge of leading group discussions and also mini-competitions! I still wonder what made Prabha uncle and Manu anna choose me although now I understand it was part of God's sovereign plan to teach me how depraved I was and that I could NEVER earn salvation.
We also had group competitions which I hated especially because our group mainly had small boys and not teens except for a couple including my classmate Toby and also Anand who was kept in our group to help me out. However more than leading the group in mini-competitions or the talent night, my internal turmoils would swirl strongly whenever the speaker, Vinod Gideon anna spoke on sin.
I was asked by him to lead in singing 'Amazing grace' after a solemn call to repentance and belief on Christ on the last evening. Ironically I knew little of what it actually meant, although Dr. Vinu Thomas the previous night tried teaching me that a person once saved cannot lose his/her salvation.
Then on the last day of the camp after the final session, when my emotions about my so-called fake salvation had to break through, it came out in outburst of body-racking cries and sobs. Dr. Vinu Thomas and Manoj Kenneth quickly came and tried encouraging me. Though I could not understand their words, their continued visits to home coupled with a more closer watch from Prabhakar uncle ensured that I understood two things.
1. My salvation was secure because it was God who chose me and God who will not let me out of his hands.
God used uncle to properly interpret passages that seemed to indicate that one could lose his salvation while showing me passages from scripture that clearly showed how secure I was in God's hands.
2. To have a more solid foundation in my walk, I would have to rely on scripture ALONE.
That specifically meant that I would have to cut off access to all charismatic meetings at least till I was mature enough to discern false teachings taught in such places. And seriously I was really glad to do that as I found a solid rock in scripture stronger than my feelings. More than just a something I could cling on - The Unchanging, INERRANT, INFALLIBLE word of God. The Spirit of God started illuminating my mind and showing me great things from scripture as I slowly started learning how to study the word of God with the aid of my seniors at YFC in tuesday bible groups and also be blessed by the expository sermons that Prabha uncle gave every sunday.
Those were days my zeal for the Lord grew a lot according to what I learnt from scripture to the extent that God enabled me to at least share that being a Christian meant true purpose at a 12th standard farewell function in St. Thomas Central School although I clearly did not know how the gospel had to be presented at that time.
It would take a longer time thanks to my sluggishness in studying the scriptures but more than that God's providential leading that in Chennai in the period of my wedding to Joyce and the months after [2012-2013] that I would rediscover the message of the gospel and once again be enflamed like those disciples were on the road to Emmaus.
More on that later, God willing. :)
.JPG)